【Column】Small Children and the “Gift Apology”: The Reality of Parenting in Japan

Recently, news and online articles have highlighted a case in which a family with **three children—aged 5, 3, and 0—**was told by their downstairs neighbors that “the footsteps are too loud.” Although the school teachers reassured the parents that “it’s fine as it is,” the parents naturally worried whether they were disturbing others.

Financial Field and other sources suggest that in such cases, it is customary to bring a gift of sweets worth approximately 3,000–10,000 yen as an apology. They even explain how to wrap and present it. However, there is a concern here: why is the apology taken as the default? Why is the parenting household automatically considered at fault? Adults who are not raising children are often expected to make no sacrifices, offer no compromise, and simply demand that children be quiet. This creates a one-sided situation where the burden falls entirely on the family raising children.


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■The Myth That Discipline Can Solve Everything

In Japan, it is common to hear the phrase “the parents haven’t disciplined their children properly.” However, it is unrealistic to control all of a child’s behavior solely through discipline. From a neuroscience perspective, young children’s prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for regulating emotions, controlling impulses, and planning ahead. It gradually matures around the age of 10 and only reaches adult-level development by around 20 (Diamond, 2002).

This means that telling a 5-year-old or 3-year-old, “Be quiet” or “Don’t run,” is structurally difficult for them to follow for extended periods. And expecting quiet from a 0-year-old infant is, of course, impossible. To blame parents in such cases as “failing to discipline” disregards the developmental realities of children.


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■Fewer Adults with Parenting Experience, Less Empathy

Statistics from Japan’s Ministry of Internal Affairs and Communications show that the proportion of unmarried adults is increasing, resulting in more adults who have little daily exposure to children (Statistics Bureau, 2020). Consequently, many adults are unfamiliar with the sounds of children playing, crying, or running around, and they assume that a quiet environment is the norm. In such a society, children’s natural behaviors are treated as “intrusions,” and the parents alone are asked to apologize.


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■Legal Tolerance and the Burden on Parenting Households

While it is understandable that neighbors might feel disturbed by noise, the critical question is: who should really be expected to tolerate what? A societal emphasis on “not causing any inconvenience” often ignores the developmental realities of young children and places an unfair burden solely on parents. Expecting children with immature prefrontal cortices to remain quiet is unrealistic, and making parents apologize for every small noise is unjust.


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■Society Needs to Accept Children as They Are

In an era of declining birth rates, children are the future of society. Yet a society that treats children’s voices as a nuisance is effectively denying its own future. Parenting households should not be left to feel isolated or ashamed. Instead, a culture in which “we all help raise children” is widely shared and embraced is essential.

The “gift apology” and etiquette mentioned in news articles can be useful as references, but the underlying assumption—that parents must always apologize first—needs to be reconsidered. Reducing the burden on parents requires that society as a whole understand children’s needs and cultivate a culture of empathy and compromise.


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■References

Diamond, A. (2002). Normal development of prefrontal cortex from birth to young adulthood: Cognitive functions, anatomy, and biochemistry. In D. T. Stuss & R. T. Knight (Eds.), Principles of frontal lobe function (pp. 466–503). Oxford University Press.

Statistics Bureau of Japan, Results of the 2020 Census (2020)

Financial Field, “What to do if your children’s footsteps are too loud: How much to spend on a gift of sweets and how to present it” (Yahoo News)



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